It becomes necessary, then, to formulate some principles for influencing children. Parents need advice, because the pattern of their lives does not guarantee the wholesome development of the child. It is impossible here to discuss in detail the methods of home education. The few principles in the chapter on “Living Together,” however, offer a wide range of adequate approaches. The first underlying principle is the comprehension of and respect for human dignity. In dealing with a child, adults must respect their own dignity, and also that of the child. Neglecting one’s own dignity means indulgence; neglecting the child’s dignity is suppression. Both destroy cooperation, both establish tyrants and slaves.
Another principle is: “neither fight nor give in:’ For the purpose of family education, one must add the postulates, “Win the child to an acceptance of order” and “Encourage the child.” These three principles, no fighting, maintaining order, and giving constant encouragement, belong intrinsically together. No one is possible without the other two. If we fight, we shall never be capable of making the child accept order and invariably will discourage the child. Failing to insist that the child observe order leads inevitably to fighting; a child will not be able to conform to order and will force his parents to fight him.
For many parents, it is impossible to believe that children can be brought up without being subjected to force. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” is a characteristic expression of distrust in human nature, which, in this view, can best be tamed, but never made social without coercion. Such parents need to be convinced that when they resort to fighting the child, they are inevitably the losers. The child has too many advantages in his favor-he knows so much better how to handle his parents than they know how to treat him. Devoting all his time to observing his environment, he knows each parent’s vulnerable spot. He is imaginative and invents hundreds of modes of warfare, while the rigid adult sticks to three or four measures which, in addition, are mostly ineffectual. The child knows exactly how to get his way, and the parents, despite all fighting, inevitably yield.
It becomes obvious that fighting is useless. All the methods of humiliation-shouting, scolding, and spanking succeed only for the moment, if they have any effect at all. The child strikes back at the first opportune occasion and for each apparent victory of the parents the child scores at least ten real victories. Habitual disobedience is a natural consequence. But where there is a friendly relationship with a real understanding between parents and child, how easy things are! Every child is very sensitive to kindness and to firmness, too. Children who do not respond have been taught that only force is important.
Mary was playing in the yard when Mother called, “Mary, come here.” Continuing her play, Mary showed no signs of having heard. Mother called again. And again there was no response. A family friend passing by listened to Mother’s call several times, then approached Mary and asked her whether she had not heard the call. “Oh, yes!” she replied quietly, continuing her play. The friend was a little indignant. “Then why don’t you go home?” Undisturbed, Mary answered, “Oh, I have time. Mother hasn’t yelled yet!”
Many parents-and the best ones-fail woefully to recognize the importance of order. They sincerely love the child. They want to save him any disappointment or painful experience. Because they want to make his life happy, they eliminate any rule of order. The child’s wish is their command. They hope that later on the child will learn to understand better and be more sensibly inclined. How wrong they are! Once a child has learned that his desire is omnipotent, he must regard any attempt to deny his omnipotence, whether of parents or teachers, as an injustice, as an effort to deprive him of privileges he considers his natural right, and will interpret it as a sign of rejection and humiliation. Overprotection and indulgence never win a child; never make him cooperative and courageous. They deprive him of enjoying order, of experiencing his own strength in helping himself and being useful to others. Instead of preventing unpleasant experiences, indulgence exposes the child to more and worse suffering. Instead of helping him, it endangers him; and the fight and friction, always dreaded, become inevitable.
Indulgence is often based on a faulty idea of freedom.
To give children freedom and self-expression is necessary; but freedom without order is impossible. On the other hand, there is no permanent order without freedom. In some cultures, the idea of order is exaggerated to such an extent that children are deprived of any self-expression. Strict rule and instant obedience are the main goals of education. The consequences are identical with those produced by suppression and humiliation. Toughness, strength, and success may be achieved in that way, but the human relationship suffers. On the other hand, this very human relationship is endangered just as much by another frequent misunderstanding of freedom. Freedom is not the right to do whatever we want, because such freedom necessarily means imposition on others to whom we then deny the same privilege. If everyone acts as he likes, disregarding the desires of his fellow men, then no one can enjoy freedom only anarchy results. Freedom and special privilege for one person cannot be called freedom at all. It is actually tyranny and dictatorship. Under the pretext of granting freedom parents make their children unhappy despots who are unable to get along with others and feel rejected by everyone not submissive to their rule.
Many children grow up with a very peculiar conception of order. For them order is everything that they don’t want to do. They must learn to recognize that order is beneficial to them. It is not at all difficult to teach them this. When a child refuses to submit to the routine which regulates the life of the family, we can help him to understand better what order means. There are many ways to impress a child with the real significance of order. For example, he may agree that it would be nice if each member of the family could do-for a day or so-whatever he likes best. Very soon, the child will discover that he gains very little and loses very much if father and mother also do only what they like best at any given moment. There are no meals prepared, no beds made, and no clothes cleaned. Obviously order serves not the interest of anyone person but all of them together. Freedom is only the liberty of acting independently as long as one does not infringe upon the freedom of anyone else.
And now the third and most important rule: The child needs constant encouragement. He needs encouragement as a plant needs water. Our present method of rearing children is instead full of discouragement. Indulgence and suppression create innumerable experiences of discouragement. For parents are needlessly timid. They see everywhere possible dangers; they identify themselves with their children, and, having no confidence in themselves, they can hardly believe that the child can take care of himself. Instead of recognizing the potentialities of a child, they compare his size and capacity with their own and conclude that he must be so many times less capable than they themselves are. In reality, the child generally has more physical and mental abilities than the parents credit him with. This doubt in the child’s potentialities, carried from one generation into the next, is one of the reasons why adults leave so many of their capacities undeveloped, never reaching the fruition of their potentialities.
Any educational procedure may best be evaluated according to the degree of encouragement it involves. Whatever increases the courage of a child is helpful-and whatever discourages, harmful. No child is genuinely “bad.” Every child likes to be good, wishes to be successful, loves to be “nice.” Only if he gives up hope, if he loses confidence in himself, only then will he misbehave. The technique of encouragement is not yet fully recognized and fostered. Very few people deliberately plan to encourage, and even those frequently don’t know how. Some try to be sweet how the children hate that! Children observe very closely too closely not to recognize insincerity. Dishonest praise can never encourage. Undeserved commendation is either meaningless or disgusting. Even sincerely expressed admiration may discourage a child, despite his pleasure in it, if he feels that he cannot live up to the high appreciation.
These two factors seem to be essential for encouragement: sincerity and recognition of the personal needs of the child. Each child has abilities and faculties which can be commended, and each has sore spots which need tender care. Without having faith in the child, however, no one will be able to instill in him a better opinion of himself. Self-confidence, recognition of the strength of his own faculties, means courage. Whosoever can provide it can enhance the efficiency and facilitate necessary social adjustments of any person he meets-especially of a child yearning for just this kind of assistance.
Influences that encourage, natural in a friendly atmosphere, are impossible where antagonism reigns, where hostility, non-compliance, and mutual depreciation dominate the human relationship. When husband and wife disagree, when parents fight with each other, then the children, too, compete with each other, each one trying to dishearten his adversary of the moment. How many and how subtle are the means by which parents stifle their child’s natural and diversified talents, discourage his efforts, and prevent the development of his feeling of confidence in his own value and in his creative power.
Every mistake and every fault in a child reflects the discouragement to which he has been exposed in his family.
Otherwise, he would have found a better answer to his problem. A child brought up in an atmosphere of love and understanding is eager and willing to do his share. Surrounded by friendliness and genuine interest, he develops happily and responds to the social demands. But as so many parents and teachers themselves are the product of an atmosphere of friction and competition, they fail to provide proper guidance to the child. They forget the terrible feeling of insecurity, of detachment, of being unloved, which they probably experienced themselves. They learn less from studying child psychology than from their own upbringing. Far from discovering the child’s possibilities, they oppose what he does; they hinder him, but hardly stimulate him. Yes, sometimes they achieve obedience, but at what price? They have in their efforts ruined a personality. They do not understand why a child feels neglected-they are completely unaware of why he behaves disturbingly.
