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This destructive technique is especially effective against the spouse who is naturally aggressive and imaginative and seldom has the time to do everything he wants to do. The more the person is a success in his profession or business, and wants the same degree of control in his home, the more effectively this destructive technique can be used against him. It consists of subtly undercutting the efforts of the aggressive spouse in a frustrating manner which can’t be readily identified. Here is an example.
John Z. Alderson has a deep feeling of resentment toward his wife, Eloise. Whenever they are together he is ill at ease, frustrated, and in a smoldering sort of way, angry at her. John thinks about this often, with a sense of shame and guilt, for he cannot understand his feeling of frustration and annoyance at his wife.
‘Why should I feel this way?” his thoughts run. “Poor Eloise works so hard. She is a sweet, thoughtful person and certainly a good mother. I really have little excuse for being so angry at her so much of the time, especially since the things which annoy me are so trivial.”
The reader is now invited into the Alderson home.
It is seven thirty in the morning. John has just finished shaving and in a few minutes will go down to have breakfast with Eloise. He reaches into his dresser drawer for a clean shirt, but the drawer is empty.
“Eloisel” “Yes, dear.”
“How come I’m out of shirts again?”
“But, dear,” Eloise says, “by having the laundryman come just every other week; we’re saving considerable money on the laundry.”
Eloise’s remark doesn’t seem quite logical to John. He scratches his head and begins thinking that perhaps his own logic is faulty, although he doesn’t know what the error is. He grunts to himself, looks in the mirror, shrugs his shoulders, and rummages around in the laundry basket for an already used shirt. He puts it on, and selected a bow tie instead of a four-in-hand, because the bow tie hides the wrinkles in the soiled collar a little better.
When John has finished dressing he goes into the kitchen.
Eloise is humming happily to herself as she spoons coffee out of a two-pound can.
“Eloise, for God’s sake, I’ve asked you not to buy two-pound Cans of coffee. The damn stuff gets stale on us and loses its flavor. You know how much a good cup of coffee means to me.”
Eloise looks at him somewhat maternally. She shakes her head and smiles patiently. “But, darling, I couldn’t resist; I save twenty cents a can when I buy it on sale.”
“Eloise, I don’t give a damn if you save five dollars a can.
Stale coffee is stale coffee. Please don’t buy two-pound cans anymore.”
“Yes, darling.”
Twenty minutes later, as John is leaving for the office, he notices some cobwebs in the corner behind the sofa. Now he starts looking. His eyes go around the room, and he observes (as he has several times recently) that there is dirt behind all the furniture.
“Eloise!”
“Yes, darling.”
“When are we going to get the cleaning service?”
“But we’ve talked about it before; remember, the day after your birthday we outlined the whole plan…”
“Oh? Eloise, I think you work hard enough as it is, and if we both want a clean house, which I certainly do, why can’t we employ the cleaning service?”
“Oh, darling, you know how spooky I feel about having strangers in the house. Those cleaning men are always underfoot. They shove the furniture around, and I can’t do a thing while they’re here except stand around and bite my fingernails. Really, darling, I’d much rather do the cleaning myself.”
“I know, Eloise, but you’re terribly busy as it is now, with the children, and the PTA, and your reorganization at the Red Cross, and that business you’re doing for senile elderly people. I understand how important all these things are. But after all, there are only so many hours in the day, and you can’t be so active and keep the house clean too.”
Eloise looks at John. Her eyes grow watery. She bites her lips and says, “That’s all right, darling, I’ll do the very best I can. Anything I can do to help you by being a good wife, is what I want to do.” With this Eloise turns and walks into the bedroom to make the bed hastily before leaving for a meeting of the local Red Cross chapter.
John leaves the house and heads for his automobile. All the way to the office he finds his stomach growling. A throbbing ache is beginning at the back of his neck and spreading up into the occipital region. He feels rather bitter toward the world at large-but he knows only vaguely that it is related to his wife.
However oversimplified the above incident may seem, it does exemplify a particular behavior pattern commonplace in many marriages.
In this case, Eloise is a master tactician, even though she doesn’t realize it. By assuming the “one-down” position, by appearing to be considerate, thoughtful, and above all patient, she is slowly driving John nuts. He is angry and frustrated for no apparent reason, and so can only conclude (unbelievingly) that something must be wrong with him alone.
What has characterized their conversation is the absence of a completed transaction. No decisions have been made.
Eloise’s manner suggests to John that she will do anything he desires, but the logic of his past experiences with her indicates that she will not. He is completely frustrated and angry and doesn’t know how to deal with the situation. His own conclusions about it swing from one extreme to the other; sometimes he believes his wife is a liar, and at other times he feels there is something terribly wrong with him.
Both of his conclusions are correct. But husband and wife alike are unaware of what they are doing.
