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How to cultivate fidelity presents one of the most difficult problems for marital living together. Unfortunately, we are uncertain not only of our partners, but of ourselves. So long as both partners have the confidence to face problems together and squarely, no problem actually will disturb the marital relationship. No matter how difficult a problem may be-and the problem of infidelity certainly is not an easy one-it should and can be solved jointly, provided both have faith, courage, and the desire for a solution. The greater the problems which people manage to solve together, the closer grows their relationship, because in their troubles they need and may find each other. After the danger is over, a sense of gratefulness for the mutual help and understanding deepens the all-important feeling of belonging.
Many regard jealousy as an adequate response to philandering tendencies in the mate. They feel there is no alternative, save to close their eyes deliberately and maintain an imperturbable ignorance that might prove to be more comfortable, but does not solve the problem. They forget that jealousy does not ever solve any problem either. Instead of bringing back the straying mate, it only increases the distance and endangers the unity. Suspicion and fear which lead inevitably to open hostility merely aggravate the problem which first tempted the mate to look outside the marriage for erotic adventures.
Shall we then ignore the danger of losing our mate? Or permit him to be unfaithful? No one could recommend that. But actually neither danger is avoided by jealousy. We can easily recognize the foolishness of a woman who is constantly afraid that her healthy husband may die someday, and envisions in every slight ailment potential complications. It seems obvious that her fear expresses other perturbations than actual concern with a possible and far distant loss. The same is true of jealousy. The fear of losing one’s mate does not in itself provoke jealousy. Neither does the loss of a mate. A husband suffering intensely because his wife has left him for another man may rationalize his emotions by insisting that he cannot live without her. The fallacy of this conviction would immediately become apparent if he were asked how he would feel if she were dead. He would then admit that alternative to be terrible, and yet . . . Here he might stop and discover that it is a peculiar kind of love which makes him actually prefer her death to her living with someone else.
Infidelity often is just a bugaboo. Every look one’s husband casts may foretell potential fatal complications. Slight tendencies to infidelity are certainly not less frequent or more dangerous than a common cold. It can lead to fatal pneumonia, but generally does not. Putting a person to bed at the first sniffle is as foolish as letting him go out in the rain when his temperature rises. A simple cold needs proper care; either neglect or over anxiety can be harmful. The first signs of undue extra-marital interests indicate disorder. Neglect or overzealousness can complicate the ailment. A clever and understanding mate will find many subtle ways of drawing an adventuring partner back without oppressing his feeling of freedom and independence. Jealousy is neither helpful nor necessary.
If fear of loss and fear of infidelity do not necessarily entail jealousy, what then are its causes? In order to understand any human emotion we must discover its actual accomplishments and hence its purposes. Jealousy never prevents loss or infidelity. This fact alone proves convincingly that it is psychologically not concerned with either. But what is actually achieved by jealousy?
