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Here is another spouse-killing technique employed frequently in our affluent society.
Marge Edgeworth looks across the settee at her husband, who is engrossed in the evening paper. Between them sits a tinkling martini pitcher and Marge is sipping her second drink. This is her method of gaining courage, and she needs it, for earlier in the afternoon she decided to put an end to a situation which has been bothering her.
She clenches her fists, sits up straight.
“George, put down that paper,” she says in a loud half-command, half-whine.
“Eh, what?”
“Put down that damned paper,” shouts Marge. “Oh, oh … sure.”
George lets the newspaper fall to his lap, removes his glasses, and says, ‘Well, what’s up?”
“George,” Marge says, trying to speak calmly, “why don’t we ever talk together anymore?”
George looks at her quizzically and drops his shoulders, a sign of constraint. “I didn’t know we weren’t talking to each other, dear.”
“Oh, come now, you know what I mean. You used to tell me about things, your work and all. That was when you always used to say you loved me.”
George looks at his wife as if he were about to curse. He scratches his ear and with effort forces a smile. ‘Well, dear, what would you like to talk about?”
This routine of George’s deserves the label of “the perfect squelch.”
Marge twirls her martini glass–because she finds herself unable to think of anything to say. She wants to get some conversation from her husband, not to make a speech herself. She doesn’t know has never yet learned that one cannot compel a “spontaneous” response.
‘Well, I don’t know,” she says after a long pause. “Did anything interesting happen today?”
“No, no, dear, not a thing. Just the usual routine.”
George starts to pick up the paper. He hesitates, looking over the top of his spectacles.
“Oh, by the way, Marge, we’ll be going to the Waterhouses tomorrow night and I think it would be a good idea if you got a new dress. You’ve been much too conservative about spending money on yourself, and I think you’ve got a new dress coming.”
“Oh, thank you, dear,” says Marge with a grateful smile. “I’ll take a look and see what I can find.”
While she is speaking, George has returned to his paper.
Marge reaches for the pitcher to start her third martini.
If a psychiatrist were to step into their living room at that moment and say, “Look here, George, old fellow, you’re being destructive,” this husband would be startled. George regards himself as a generous man. He considers his wife’s life easy and pleasant. And he is absolutely sure that his business success is responsible for the pleasant life that Marge is leading. How can she complain when he is working so hard and doing so much for her? “Why:’ he thinks to himself, “it’s almost a shame how hard executives work to maintain their families. The coronary rate of executives is the highest in the nation.” The fact that this has nothing to do with what Marge is talking about is completely ignored.
Somehow Marge is unable to bring her complaint into the open. If she does buy a dress for the Waterhouse party, especially if it’s an expensive one, she has further contributed to her own problem. How can you complain about a man who allows you to buy whatever you want?
Characteristic of this type of marital combat is the way in which George suggests-almost requires-Marge to buy things for herself. Or he may encourage her to visit her sister twice a week or to take a class at the local college in order to entertain herself, thereby reducing her demands on him for companionship. More and more Marge will learn to wait for these suggestions before she takes action. Particularly when one receives a reward such as a new dress-for following another’s dictates, loss of initiative is the usual result. For example, animals are trained to obey commands instantly by being given food each time they obey. After a few weeks or months of this reinforcement by rewards, they rely heavily on their masters’ commands to determine their behavior. A “well-trained” animal has learned to not take initiative. Marge, also, under a “reward” system such as that used by George, begins to lose her initiative, and this loss in turn places more responsibility on George to arrange her life for her.
A vicious cycle develops, for she gets from George only the bare victuals of life, not the emotional nourishment she desires and needs. But rather than get nothing at all from him she plays the game “Thanks, darling.” At the same time she does not help George solve their problem, because by accepting, she gives him the illusion that he is doing what she wants and thus has satisfied her. George also has learned his role. If Marge refuses the gifts and insists on more companionship instead, George will have to learn a new role because he will then know that the gifts are not those Marge desires most and that therefore, although they may be effective in silencing her complaints for the moment, she will soon be dissatisfied again.
Many women, too, take George’s role in this game.
How to Handle the “Thank-You-for-Nothing” Pattern
What can be done to break up a “thank-you-for-nothing” behavior pattern? As in any of the marital misery games, it is essential to change the old routine. First of all, Marge must begin to take more initiative in determining her own behavior. One way is for her to respond each time George proposes that she buy something by saying, in effect, “A new dress? No, thank you, but I’ll take the money because I’m going to spend the weekend in New York with Mary so we can see some Broadway shows.” This technique accomplishes two things. It allows Marge to refuse and yet not to be denied, and it causes George to realize that he does not make his offer because he is completely benevolent, that he is not simply trying to please his wife. Marge, in order to change their relationship, should plan or buy something at least equal in value to whatever George has offered-but chosen by herself. If when Marge asks George to talk to her he suggests that she might go to a movie with her sister, Marge is to say, for example, “No thank you, dear, but I think I’ll ask some of my friends to come over for a game of bridge.”
Concurrently, a technique should be employed that is planned to reduce the repetitious aspect of this pattern, the routine meals and the nightly hiding-behind-the-newspaper act. Marge should take the initiative and responsibility for deliberately planning activities for the two of them-going to the theater, dinner parties, movies, or whatever. Marge should anticipate that they may not enjoy themselves, that there may not even be good conversation. The point is not that they have a good time, for like spontaneity, enjoyment cannot be compelled. Rather, the purpose is to initiate changes which will help break up the old patterns.
If George requires even more confrontation to make a change, Marge should aggressively arrange, and press, their going out two or three times a week, within the limit of their finances, until George rebels and thus becomes conscious of the repetitiousness of their past behavior. They can then negotiate a “happy medium” that will be acceptable and reasonable for both. As in most bargaining it is often wise to set one’s initial “price” a little higher than one requires, expecting to come down in the course of the negotiations.
