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The first myth is the belief that people get married because they are “in love.” It is extremely difficult to define love satisfactorily. Dictionaries disagree. Psychiatrists and psychologists who specialize in marital problems usually are unable to define love. When they are asked the question by a client, they usually evade the issue by asking, ‘What do you think love is?”
The definition of perfect love which is most cherished in the Western world is the one given by St. Paul in the thirteenth chapter of First Corinthians. True, it is a Christian definition; but it is so universal that its almost exact equivalent is used by Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and Jews.
Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Love never faileth…
We however, have never met a person who consistently loves according to St. Paul’s definition. We have known many decent people, people who have integrity and who are kind most of the time; but they do not consistently love in this biblical sense. It is our opinion that it would be too difficult for spouses to practice this kind of relationship described by St. Paul-unless both were saints.
A more practical definition of love has been given by the great American psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan: ‘When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.”!
The state of love described by Sullivan is possible in marriage -but few spouses are prepared for it, or capable of experiencing it, right after the wedding. Its coming, if it comes at all, is the result of luck or of years of hard work and patience-as we hope to demonstrate later. Observation of hundreds of married couples shows that very few experience love.
It is a false assumption that people marry for love. They like to think of themselves as being in love; but by and large the emotion they interpret as love is in reality some other emotion often a strong sex drive, fear, or a hunger for approval.
If they are not in love, then why are they impelled to marry? There are several reasons.
During courtship, individuals lose most of their judgment.
People who believe themselves to be in love describe their emotion as ecstasy. “Ecstasy” - from the Greek ekstasis, which means “derange”-is defined as the “state of being beside oneself; state of being beyond all reason and self-control.” When an emotional courtship starts, the man and woman appear to relinquish whatever sense of balance and reality they ordinarily possess.
Courtship-the time of ecstatic paralysis-has been cleverly designed by Nature to lure members of the species into reproducing themselves. Courtship is a powerful manifestation of sexual excitement. In Western culture, it has well-defined rituals; these are simple steps leading up to the ultimate goal-legal breeding. The man and the woman are in a trance. By the magic of Nature, they have become wonderfully attractive to each other.
It is marvelous to observe how ruthless and cunning Nature is in her effort to perpetuate the species. Individuals are in such a dizzy state that they become reckless. The problems of marriage are not noticed or considered. The frightful divorce statistics mean nothing; it seems obvious that bad marriages, like death, are for others only. Frequently, the partners-to-be know that they are marrying the wrong persons, but they are in such a passion (some call it romance), and are being driven so hard by the applause of society, that they cannot help themselves. For example, they may realize that the man is unable, as yet, to earn a living; or that the woman is incompetent to manage a home; or that each has radically different tastes and values from the other. These and many other obstacles to a workable marriage usually have no significance to a couple in the courtship stage. The courting individuals are obsessed by one desire only-to mate. And society ordains that a ceremony must sanctify the mating. Although in a majority of marriages the magic and marvelous attractiveness of courtship diminishes (and often vanishes entirely) within a brief time after the honeymoon, it is obvious that the instinct to reproduce-the sex drive (which mistakenly is called love)-lures a great many individuals into marriage.
People often marry because society expects it of them. In our society a spinster is frequently regarded as an unattractive failure; and a middle-aged bachelor is suspected of being a homosexual, or of having a mother complex. Society encourages marriage in many ways and for many reasons. For example, marriage is-to put it crudely-good for business. It gives employment ‘to ministers, justices of the peace, caterers, florists, dressmakers, printers, jewelers, furniture manufacturers, architects, landlords, obstetricians, and so on almost endlessly. Whenever there is a wedding a hundred cash registers tinkle. Therefore members of the profit-making multitude smile and applaud, frequently in honest approval. This approval adds to the myth that the very act of marriage is a good thing; it brings prestige in society’s eyes to the young couple.
For the clergy and for officials, marriage is a source of power and control, a means of perpetuating loyalty to the Church through the children. Certain historical necessities-which in point of fact may no longer exist-are also reflected in the attitudes of society. For example, in earlier days, when mortality rates were high, a “big family” meant more people in the community and thus a greater chance for survival; and marriage was prerequisite for the existence of the big family. Though circumstances have changed now, the approbation of marriage has not. In short, almost all segments of society disapprove of the single state but approve of marriage. This universal attitude tends to cause people who think they are in love to be impetuous, hurried, and careless in getting married. Marriage, they have been taught, is a “good thing.”
The pressures and the maneuverings of parents often push their children into premature and careless marriages. Parents maneuver, manipulate, and meddle. Fathers and mothers claim that they meddle for their children’s benefit. The truth is that parents often feel failure or disgrace if their children aren’t married at the conventional age. And parents are seldom fully honest to their children about their own relationships. Therefore, most youngsters believe that their parents are or were in love, and that they must be emulated in this respect.
Romantic literature, tradition, and social hysteria have given marriage false values which the excited male and female often accept as true. They enter wedlock expecting a high level of constant joy from that moment on. Although they take an oath to love and cherish each other throughout all adversity, in fact they do not expect any serious adversity. They have been persuaded that love (which they cannot even define) automatically will make it possible to solve all problems.
Loneliness often drives people into marriage. Many individuals simply cannot bear to be alone. They get bored and restless, and they think that having somebody of the opposite sex in the house will stop them from being miserable. Thus they marry because of desperation, not love.
Many people are fearful concerning their economic future. Men may believe that the responsibility involved in supporting a wife and children will automatically motivate them to produce more than they would if they remained single. Women often feel they will find financial security through marriage, regardless of the current ability of their fiancés to provide for their needs.
Some individuals marry because of an unconscious desire to improve themselves. Almost all human beings have a mental image-called the ego ideal-of what they would like to be. In reality an individual seldom develops into this ideal person. But when he meets someone of the opposite sex who has the qualities which he desires, then up pops another false assumption. The individual unconsciously concludes that if he marries, he will, without effort, acquire the missing desirable characteristics or talents. For this reason a drunk sometimes is attracted to an abstainer; an inherent liar may be drawn to a simple, naive person; a man with poor physical coordination often marries a slender, athletic woman; a person who cannot carry a tune often marries one who can sing well; and so forth. After the marriage the spouses learn that intimacy does not bring about the desired self-improvement. Each blames the other and the discord begins,
Many marriages are motivated by neuroses. Certain individuals pick as mates those who make it possible for them to exercise their neuroses. These people do not wish to be happy in the normal sense. If they enjoy suffering, they unconsciously choose partners with whom they can fight, or who will abuse or degrade them. Some of these marriages endure for a considerable time because the partners get pleasure from discord, but this type of perversion can hardly be called an expression of love.
Some people miss their father or mother and cannot live without a parental symbol. Therefore they find-and marry-a person of the opposite sex who will play the parental role.
In summary, then, it may be said that people generally enter matrimony thinking they are in love and believing that marriage will bring them “instant happiness,” which will solve all problems. Actually, in most instances they are swept into marriage on a tidal wave of romance, not love. Romance is usually ephemeral; it is selfish. Romantic “lovers” are distraught and miserable when separated, and this misery is caused by selfishness of the most egocentric type. The “lover” is sorry for himself and is grieving over his loss of pleasure and intimacy. This state of mind is closely related to another selfish emotion-jealousy. Romance is exciting -but it is no relation to love, no kin to that generous concern for someone else which Harry Stack Sullivan defines as love.
Most people believe they are marrying for love. This is a false assumption and a dangerous myth.
