Advice : Wedding, Marriage, Engagement, Anniversary

Most of us in this country are taught diplomacy, decorum, and the art of self-restraint. Many husbands and wives believe that politeness, consideration, and benevolence are important in a marriage, and not wishing to be rejected, they may attempt to practice these arts unremittingly.

If spouses are thoughtful of each other on all occasions, the likelihood is that they have a sick marriage. It is obvious that individuals have competing tendencies-different interests, different ways of using time, different biological rhythms, and so on -and they cannot always have the same desires, needs, wishes, or whatever at the same time. The problem then is: What should they do when conflicts arise?

There are several possible answers, but the most important one is that the individual should do what he feels he has to do at this particular moment, and should believe enough in the durability of the marriage to withstand even a period of hate from the other spouse. When such conflicts do not ever arise, it must be concluded that the spouses are peculiarly lucky in having chosen partners with exactly the same values, tastes, needs, and so on, or that somebody is sacrificing quietly and will unwittingly pay the other spouse back.

This may sound like explosive propaganda. But the alternative is a relationship in which one spouse thinks so little of his partner that he cannot permit an independent act that happens to displease him for the time being. How can spouses trust each other if they never have any disagreements? How does each know what the other really thinks and feels if he is accommodating and thoughtful all the time? For all anyone can tell, one spouse may secretly hate the other’s guts.

Tom Henderson was a successful insurance executive with a mad passion for golf. He had been planning for some time to attend a golf clinic being given in Concord, Massachusetts, by his favorite professional. Not only was he delighted to have the opportunity to work with his favorite pro, but knowing this geographical area he realized that coming here would be very pleasant for his wife and two children; they could rent an attractive older home, swim in a nearby lake, and engage in many of the pleasant activities of the city. Mary, his wife, was a bit reluctant, particularly because she was not well acquainted with the East and wasn’t sure what she was getting into. However, Tom’s enthusiasm overcame her reluctance, and the kids were always eager for a vacation.

But over the next few months a subtle campaign of propaganda was beamed toward Tom Henderson. It came from all directions. For example, Mrs. Smythe, Mary’s mother, had taken an apartment in Honolulu, near the beach. She wrote to her daughter that she wished the whole family would visit her, and described what a wonderful time the children would have. Thereafter, the advantages for the children formed the core of Mary’s propaganda campaign. Magazines with pictures of brown skinned, lithe surfers lay exposed on the coffee table and occasionally at the writing desk. Also, knowing Tom’s interest in golf, Mary one morning read him an article about a recent golfing match at the Waialae Country Club. She mentioned with a shy smile that her friend Nancy, who lived in Honolulu, had told her that golfers consider a round at the course of the Oahu Country Club one of the great golfing experiences of all time.

While Mary spoke, Tom was hastily reading his mail and finishing his last mouthful of coffee. Not until he had nearly reached his office did it occur to him to wonder, “How come Mary’s interested in golf all of a sudden?”

“Oh, well.” He turned to the tasks of the day. His errant thought lay untended and died.

When Jane, their oldest daughter, celebrated her birthday in May, Mary presented her with a ukulele and a book of twelve easy lessons.

Now the propaganda had reached the stage where it became obvious even to Tom. One night he confronted his wife. “Darling,” he said, “I thought we had agreed we were going to Concord this summer for our vacation. Now 1 get the impression that you’re pushing for Honolulu.”

Mary regarded him with her wide, startlingly blue eyes much as she would a man from Mars suddenly appearing in her bedroom.

Tom absently nodded and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He felt like a bit of a stinker for having raised the question, but something was still tugging at his mind and he was not satisfied. When he got to bed he went right to sleep, with no thought of being amorous. Mary didn’t rest well that night, for the hand that grasps for power is always a bit shaky.

As the days went by, Tom was reminded by both children of what a wonderful place Hawaii is. He suspected that Mary was putting them up to this, but where was the evidence? Jane seemed to have a new-found interest in hula lessons, and Tom junior spoke with wonder of the intricacies of surfing. Then one day Mary brought Tom a somewhat pleading letter from her mother describing her wish to see them and stating that a lovely apartment would become available close by during August-the very month that they were planning to spend in Concord. Now Tom was no longer in doubt. He recognized the nature of the enemy, but almost as quickly as he turned to fight he found his resistance fading. What father likes to deny his children? What husband wishes to keep his wife separated from her aged mother (whom she may never see alive again), and from school chums whom she hasn’t seen in many years? Who can deny the beauty of Hawaii and the excellence of its golfing spots? And so Tom succumbed and erected in place of the defeat in the Battle of Concord an icon at which he daily worshiped: the image of Tom Henderson, Family Man.

Mary’s mother was waiting for them at the airport in Honolulu.

Although the Henderson family had been surfeited with food and drink, everyone accepted grandma’s gracious hospitality as she took them to lunch at the Outrigger Club. Leaning against the back of his chair and looking out at the sparkling Pacific, Tom sipped his favorite beer, hoping that some appetite would come so that he would not have the embarrassment of being the only one not eating. He half listened to the cheery conversation as grandma told the children about the wonders they would soon behold. Mary interrupted; running in and out of the conversation like a track star with what Tom considered wife-type questions: ‘Where can you get this?” “Where’s the best place to buy that?”

Since first getting on the plane Tom had been aware of a slow ball of dread forming in his stomach, and now it felt distended. He had been helped on the flight by two vodka martinis and half a bottle of Chablis, but the liquor hadn’t dissolved the lump in his gut. It had only anesthetized the surrounding area. Tom sat there, and to his horror he began to feel hate-not for the children, not for his mother-in-law, but for Mary. Suddenly, for the first time in the months of propaganda and the weeks of knowing that he had been hoodwinked, he experienced a surge of resoluteness. He sat straighter, and gulped his beer instead of swishing it around like mouthwash.

Tom had a plan, but he said nothing about it. He allowed his mother-in-law to pay for the lunch, and made arrangements for transporting their huge pile of baggage to the apartment. He worked hard helping the family get settled and even went with Mary to the supermarket to lay in a stock of food. He had time for these things because his plane did not leave until midnight.

Mrs. Smythe had them over to supper. Tom went through the routine of replying to meaningless questions about his work and how his golf game was faring, and played an All about Hawaii word game with the kids. Finally the Hendersons left grandmas. When they reached their own apartment, Tom called his family into the small living room and told them, as dispassionately and kindly as he could, that he was leaving on that midnight plane for San Francisco and had been lucky enough to secure a connecting Hight to New York. When his wife, with her white, stricken face, started to open her mouth, Tom held up his hand and said, in a tone stronger than he usually employed, «Let me finish.” Talking to the children, so that Mary could listen without feeling so attacked, he explained that he was not leaving the family, but was doing something that he felt he had to do. He recognized that his decision was expensive, would upset the rest of the family, and would ruin him forever in his mother-in-law’s eyes. He would like to rejoin them in two weeks, and would be very sad if they were so immutably angry about his decision that he was no longer welcome; however, this was a chance he would have to take. He had counted on this golf vacation for a long time and-he reminded them without an air of martyrdom-it had been many years since they had taken the vacation he wanted. He stated that at times it was necessary to do something drastic to break a pattern that was forming, and this one threatened to encrust not just the marriage, but the interrelationships of the entire family.

Then he told them that he was not willing to discuss the matter, since his decision was irrevocable. Here he was wise, for there is nothing more useless than beating and bloodying a fait accompli with hopeless argumentation. His wife’s response was to run crying from the room. Tom had expected this, and it did not curb his resolution. He kissed the children and, sad but erect, walked down the long stairs.

All this occurred ten years ago. The Hendersons are still married, and enjoy a mutual respect that was formerly missing. During her husband’s absence Mary recognized that she was something of a spoiled child. She recalled that her own father had rarely gotten his way, and did not fight for it. As a result, Mrs. Smythe had grown more and more into a skillful manipulator and dictator, often using the excuse that something was «best for Mary” to get her own way. The parallel was very obvious to Mary, and she respected Tom for breaking the mold. They eventually agreed that for them the only workable system would be to take turns in making decisions, since this would eliminate the need for covert maneuvering and propagandizing through the children.

The Honolulu episode also proved useful in another way. During the two weeks Tom was in Concord, Mary performed superbly. To her own surprise she found that her anger at him gave her the strength to enjoy the children in a manner she had not experienced before.

The Henderson story came close to having a very different ending. But great changes are built upon risk taking.

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