This entry was posted on Friday, February 15th, 2008 at 9:07 pm and is filed under Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
One of the most common complaints that a marriage counselor hears begins with the words, “If only John [or Mary] would…” Here one spouse presents the need for a unilateral change on the part of the other. The person who has been labeled as inadequate usually responds by presenting alibis, or by attacking his spouse on some other grounds in an attempt to change the subject. In doing so, he is making a mistake. Instead, he should recognize that if he did make the particular change requested, the other spouse would probably discover that it didn’t alter their relationship as much as he had expected.
Therefore, the attacked spouse (the one considered to be in the wrong) should insist that the natural consequences of making the suggested change be considered. He should point out that a change on his part will also require a change on the part of the other spouse, and should attempt to project what these changes would be like. The question then would be, are these projected changes desirable or undesirable? Are the husband and wife even prepared to handle them?
For example, a man who is well informed and is respected for his obvious intelligence may feel that his wife should be better read and better able to hold her own in a discussion. It is true that if his wife became more intellectually competent, they might share more together, but is he willing to pay the price? If she sharpened her powers, perhaps the man would find his own self-esteem and sense of importance, derived from being the “smart” one in the family, suffering greatly. Is he really prepared for her competition? Can he relinquish his position in the spotlight at social functions? Is he ready to help his wife contribute to conversations by listening intelligently to her, or does he expect her to attempt to shine despite his continuing efforts to appear smarter than she is?
In other words, we are urging the spouse who is told to change to evaluate this request in terms of how it will affect the other partner, and to insist that change involves a faint effort and is not up to him alone. Equally, the critical spouse is urged to evaluate his request in terms of what corresponding changes will be necessary on his part and to refrain from asking for changes to which he cannot adapt.
This concept may, at first, be hard to grasp because it is completely antithetical to our usual way of thinking about marriage. We assume that if we wish our spouse to change in a particular way, he will-if he is loving-immediately attempt to oblige. But actually, in a marriage most of the important behavior patterns (we are not speaking of such minor annoying habits as dropping ashes or leaving hair in the wash basin) are products of the relationship and not just manifestations of traits peculiar to one spouse.
Consider, for example, a gentleman we know who has become increasingly vociferous in his comments about his wife’s slovenly housekeeping. He neglects to mention to his friends, during his numerous complaints, that his wife accompanies him in many activities (far more than the usual). For example, they often go sailing together, they hunt, and they fly a private plane in which she is the navigator. Since there is not enough money for a maid, the housework just remains undone.
The question here is why the condition of the house is so important to the husband. Is he simply a person of compulsive neatness, or is he protesting that his wife’s role is becoming too close to his own and that he is uncomfortable about this closeness and would like to push her back to a more “feminine” role? If she simply takes the blame for the untidy house, they will never face the question of the shared-role conflict, which may be the important issue in their marriage. As long as he is free to complain about a slovenly house he has the feeling that he is asserting his control over her, while at the same time nothing can actually happen, so there is no danger of an upsetting change.
The spouse who is being criticized in this case might appropriately wonder why her husband doesn’t pitch in more and help clean up the house since it seems important to him and since it also seems important to him to have her share in his many activities. Does she sense that he requires this kind of complaint in order to keep their marriage workable? To test this hypothesis she might propose that during the next several weeks she give up all her other activities and concentrate on pleasing her husband, by keeping the house immaculate. If the husband’s complaint is functional-that is, if it is related to the marital system and does not simply reflect his liking for cleanliness-some other source for complaint will emerge to take the place of the no-longer-dirty house. When it becomes evident that the complaining is related to a larger relationship pattern, the couple is in a position to discuss the larger problems with some chance of making basic changes to improve the relationship, and can learn to avoid repetitious arguments over topical and insignificant issues.
It is important now to take a closer look at the behavior of the spouse who asks for changes in the other by complaining. Such an individual contributes to the other’s unwanted behavior by permitting it and complaining afterward. The tendency to nag and complain instead of refusing to tolerate unwanted behavior is widespread in marriages in our culture. A husband may accuse his wife of being inconsiderate because she repeatedly interrupts him. But how often will he prevent this behavior at the time it occurs by saying, “You interrupted me, Jane. Please let me finish what I was saying”? If this didn’t work, he might simply get up and leave the room, saying, “You apparently aren’t interested in what I’m trying to tell you now. When you do want to hear it, let me know.” A few such episodes would get the point across quickly and without unnecessary anger. This type of behavior may seem harsh and rude, but it does work. The practice of nagging and complaining does not, because it never deals explicitly with the unwanted behavior at the time it occurs. However, people prefer complaining just because it is futile: if they actually enforced a change in the other’s behavior, they would have to change their own behavior as well. If Bill is firmer than he used to be about Jane’s interruptions, he must also give up the privilege of interrupting her, or else risk having her walk out on him in her turn.
Mary may harbor burning resentment toward John because he makes jokes or sarcastic remarks about her intelligence or physical appearance in front of acquaintances. Yet if this behavior on John’s part continues over a long period of time, it is a sure bet that she has done nothing to stop it. Perhaps she smiles or laughs with embarrassment in response to these remarks, or perhaps she counterattacks with nasty remarks of her own about John’s messy living habits, his bald spot, and so on. Later, when they are alone once more, Mary may just sulk, or she may explode and tell John his behavior makes her furious, so that their nastiness escalates into a fight, or mutual withdrawal, or whatever. If Mary really wants to put a stop to John’s unkind actions, she must be willing to change her own behavior. The next time they are with friends and John is insulting, Mary might say, in front of the friends, «John, your remarks are humiliating and inappropriate. I suspect they make our friends as uncomfortable as they do me. If you have something to tell me, wait until we get home and can discuss it in privacy.” If John persists in his behavior, Mary can rightfully say, “I asked you once to stop your unpleasant remarks, John. I won’t argue with you here and embarrass our friends, but neither will 1 tolerate this kind of talk. I’m taking a cab home and 111 see you there later.” One or two such confrontations evidencing Mary’s determination and willingness to change her own behavior in relation to his undesirable behavior will force John to make a corresponding change.
Again, the reader may shudder at such tough, harsh recommendations, but marriage is so important, and so difficult to make workable, that there is no place for half-truths and half-hearted actions.
One of the most useful ways for spouses to correct unwanted behavior patterns and improve a marriage is always to act on the assumption that their actions are bilateral, not unilateral. There is no action involving them both to which they haven’t both contributed. Therefore, any change must be made by both.
