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There are two approaches to this problem. The first is meant for the situation in which one spouse labels the other a disaster seeker, but the other spouse does not agree. The second is useful when both spouses are in agreement that one or both of them have this trait.
If one spouse is attempting unilaterally to change the other, who refuses to admit to being a disaster seeker, he must be willing to take a chance on being a troublemaker.
Basically, the disaster seeker is afraid of being abandoned. He is unconsciously afraid that the other spouse will grow apart from him, becoming too independent or successful. By employing the gloom-and-danger ploy, the disaster seeker attempts to keep the other spouse in line. Thus the spouse who would cure the situation must convince the other that this technique won’t work and is harmful to the relationship, and he must do the convincing by means of action, not by complaining or nagging.
The approach is Simple. The healer chooses an area in which there has been past evidence of disaster seeking. He makes it clear that the spouse is welcome to attend this convention, fly on this trip, or whatever, but that the plans will be carried out regardless of what the disaster seeker does or says.
A variation open to the healer is to invite the disaster seeker on a short vacation that he knows from their past experience should be pleasant. However, he must stipulate: “If you so much as make one negative comment about the trip, 1 will end it.” If this stipulation is to be effective, it must be carried out the first time the disaster seeker utters an unpleasant remark, even if the result is that they return home a half hour after departure. This action must then be carried out so that the message is, “I am not going to desert you, but 1 am going ahead with these plans that are important to me.”
The first few times, the disaster seeker may pout and be sullen upon the other spouse’s return, but this reaction is to be expected. If it does not deter the spouse from his course of action, it will disappear.
If both spouses agree that there is a need for remedying a disaster-seeking attitude, and will work together, it can be accomplished easily. Two techniques are employed.
First, the disaster seeker accepts punishment each time he commits the sin of announcing disaster. In this way he is made aware of the frequency with which he makes remarks of this sort.
Ordinarily, it is easy to overlook gloomy predictions because if they are incorrect (as they usually are) they are soon forgotten; only if a disaster occurs is the prediction recounted over and over. As Disraeli pointed out, it is easier to be critical than to be correct. The punishment can be of any sort as long as it is genuinely annoying-for example, having to set the alarm and do twenty push-ups at three in the morning, or (for the husband) doing the dishes for a week.
Second, the disaster seeker is required by the other spouse to predict everything (in detail) that will go wrong with the projected activity. The other spouse notes these remarks down and have the forecaster initial them. After the event, the couple reviews the list together, checking the accuracy of the predictions. Usually, the disaster seeker cannot bring about the fulfillment of all his gloomy prophesies.
What has to be recognized about the disaster seeker in order to cure him is that, much like the average neurotic described by Freud, “he makes worse the very thing he seeks to cure.” The disaster seeker may have a temporary feeling of independent security when he is able to exert control over his spouse’s actions by the use of dire predictions, but he also loses, since he gives up the privilege and pleasure of being able to be dependent, to count on someone else whom he has placed in a position of authority or confidence. He cannot downgrade his spouse without reducing his own chances of finding succor in the marriage.
