This entry was posted on Friday, February 15th, 2008 at 9:06 pm and is filed under Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Harry should insist that Shirley observe one of the marital imperatives: Don’t argue with me on my own time.
By this we mean that when one spouse is making a complaint, he should not allow the other to answer with a cross complaint. The two complaints simply cancel each other out, and nothing has been settled. If Shirley also has a complaint, let her bring it up on her own time, not while Harry is asking for a change.
This is a simple but important marital imperative. Never break this rule, for each infraction invites another infraction I remind each other, hold up a hand and say “Beep-Beep”! Do anything, but don’t exchange complaints at the same time!
Harry should be firm about his right to complain even if Shirley appears not to recognize that she is cross complaining. Consciously or unconsciously, the cross complainer is aware of the nature of his tactics. If he refuses to admit what he is doing, more stringent methods of confrontation must be employed. A simple yet effective device is the following. When one spouse has identified the other as a cross complainer but the other will not cease the practice, the first spouse should announce: “I think you are capable of recognizing my right to complain on my own time! The next time you cut into one of my complaints, I’m simply going to leave the room. If you follow me, I’ll simply leave the house.” This apparently rude behavior is very effective because the cross complainer needs an audience to reassure himself that the other’s complaint has been stifled by his cross complaint. When there is nobody in the room, the transaction is incomplete; the cross complainer is frustrated, and therefore in a better position to see the destructive nature of his tactics.
