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After each partner has at last been able to select an area of agreement with the other, and to develop a means of accomplishing the desire expressed, the spouses are ready for their first full hedged quid pro quo discussion. At a time when they feel at ease and safe from interruption, they sit down together to exchange viewpoints about what each feels is necessary, to determine the extent to which these aims are compatible, and to decide what can be done to achieve them.
If through the preceding exercises they have developed clear communication and a spirit of cooperation, each should find it possible to yield on some points in return for concessions from his spouse on others, and to maintain the attitude that his purpose is not to gain more than the other, but to help make decisions which will be to the advantage of both.
The following is an example of a successful start in a quid pro quo discussion.
HUSBAND: I hate to sound like a tightwad, but I feel I must tell you that we have to cut down on our expenses at least until I get some of the new office equipment paid for.
WIFE: What particular items were you thinking of?
HUSBAND: I’ve been looking over the checkbook and I find that clothes make up a considerable item. I’m willing to forgo any new outfits. How about you?
WIFE: You know very well that I spend much more on clothes than you do. If you’re telling me to cut down, why not come out and say so?
HUSBAND: Because something occurred to me and that was that you’ve spent more on clothes lately since you lost that weight. I was very much for your losing it, too.
WIFE: That’s right, I did have to buy a number of things right after finishing the diet, but it was nice of you to remember it. How about reviewing this matter in a few months but agreeing not to buy anything in the meantime?
HUSBAND: Whew! I feel off the hook. I won’t forget to bring it up when finances get better.
Note that although the husband begins tentatively, he manages to be at the same time specific and not attacking.
Complete examples of quid pro quo discussions, both unsuccessful and successful, are to be found in upcoming resources.
