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Part I
There are two major ways in which communication between individuals breaks down. The absence of clear and workable communication almost always involves both parties.
The first type of breakdown is in a sense physical. The spouses speak to each other, but neither “hears” what the other says. Sometimes this failure is the result of a lifetime of “non-listening” -a practice unfortunately common in the United States. The non-listening habit can also develop between spouses after they have been fighting for several months or years. Both spouses are on the defensive, and as soon as one begins to speak, the other starts preparing to defend himself against an attack; his mind is concentrating on what the reply will be, not on what is being said.
The physical breakdown of communication is present in almost every marriage in which there is trouble. We know of one New England housewife who, on a cold January evening, got a screwdriver and removed the front door from its hinges. The cold air and the snow began blowing into the house, and her surprised husband came out bellowing, ‘What the hell have you done?”
“I asked you three times to shut the door when you come in,” said the wife.
“You never said any such thing.”
‘When you left the house at eight o’clock this morning,” said the wife, “you left the door open. I ran out and knocked on the car window and said to you, ‘Please shut the door when you leave the house; you’re freezing the place out.’ ”
The husband said angrily, “I don’t remember you saying any such thing.”
“Do you remember my coming out to the car and shouting at you?”
“Yes, but I thought you were still bitching because I didn’t eat any of the pancakes you made for breakfast.”
The wife said, “You rolled the window down while I was talking and looked me right in the eye.”
‘Well, I don’t remember you saying anything about closing the door.”
“But,” said the wife, shouting, “I told you the same thing when you came home for lunch, and I told you the same thing when you left to go back to the office, and every time you were looking right at me.”
“I don’t remember hearing you tell me about shutting the door.” Probably this husband did not hear his wife tell him to shut the door, even though the sound reached his ears. Variations of this episode occur several times a day in most unhappy families. Fortunately, this kind of breakdown is easily repaired. If both spouses agree to improve their communication, there is a small exercise which will help.
A completed communication consists of the statement made by the first speaker, the acknowledgment by the recipient of the message, showing that he has heard it, and then the acknowledgment by the original speaker that he has heard the acknowledgment. If for about two weeks a husband and wife will conscientiously make certain that every message is a completed one, even though it sounds forced and silly at the beginning, the chances are that their physical communication will improve greatly. But this exercise, with its exaggerated emphasis, must be performed with every communication, no matter how small.
For example:
MARY: My, how blue the sky is. (This is the original statement.)
JOHN (acknowledging that he has heard): Yes, it certainly is a beautiful blue.
MARY (acknowledging JOHN’S acknowledgment): I’m glad you like it too.
Spouses will make many short statements like Mary’s in the course of a day-”Gracious, this must be the coldest day of the year;” “Phew, but I’m exhausted;” “Something smells good in the kitchen;” “I had a hell of a day at the office.”
The usual response to statements of this sort is a grunt, a nod of the head, or perhaps nothing at all. IT one of the spouses tends to be a chatterbox, the other may easily get into the habit of not listening to anything, thereby only reinforcing the chattering behavior, which doesn’t require a response.
When an attempt is made to complete all messages (so that each consists of statement, acknowledgment, and second acknowledgment), the amount of “nothing” talk is soon reduced. Spouses learn not to speak unless they desire to have a completed communication. Some examples of the completed communication follow.
MARY (original statement): Please shut the door when you come in or go out. It’s damn cold outside.
JOHN (acknowledgment): I’ll try to remember, and if I forget, will you remind me again?
MARY (acknowledgment of the acknowledgment): Thank you, John. Yes, I’ll remind you if you forget.
Another example:
JOHN (original message): Something smells good in the kitchen.
MARY (acknowledgment): Yes, I have an apple pie in the oven.
JOHN (acknowledgment of the acknowledgment): Oh, good, I hope we’re having it for dinner.
Even if the messages are negative, they must be completed:
MARY (original message): John, will you bring me ten pounds of potatoes on the way home from the office?
JOHN (acknowledgment): I’d rather not. I work late today, and if I stop at the supermarket there’s a hell of a long line at half past six.
MARY (acknowledgment of the acknowledgment): Oh, all right, I guess we can hold off till I go to the store the day after tomorrow myself.
It is unnatural for most couples to complete every communication in this way, and at the beginning of the exercise the routine will frequently be forgotten. Spouses must help each other to remember. If Mary makes a statement and John grunts an answer, Mary must say, in a courteous manner, “John are you going to acknowledge?” If John has acknowledged and Mary simply nods her head, John must remind her: “Mary, are you going to acknowledge my acknowledgment?”
For spouses intending to improve their marriage, the development of a functional communications pattern is the first step to be taken. Furthermore, the exercise just described can be a great deal of fun. It can be a good game; and when it is done quietly in public, the participants frequently gain a great feeling of shared understanding, because as they look around they see that other husbands and wives are usually paying no attention to what each says to the other. Besides, this little exercise can be of enormous benefit to all of one’s human relationships. It gradually transforms the habitual “mumbo-jumbo” conversation into an I-am-thinking dialogue, which is an exciting experience.
