This entry was posted on Saturday, September 29th, 2007 at 3:30 am and is filed under Marital Issues. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The failures of spouses to identify, determine, and mutually assign areas of competence and responsibility, of who is in charge of what.
Married people are involved in an almost endless number of activities. In some, the determination of which partner is more competent and responsible can usually be made without question. For example, infant rearing is generally regarded as a female function, while chopping wood is assumed to be the responsibility of the male. In other activities such as, say, finances, both spouses may participate. One may do the bookkeeping, while the other pays the bills.
But there are many areas in which the competence and responsibility of each are difficult to determine. They range from relatively unimportant matters such as sweeping the leaves off the walk, or chaperoning a children’s party, to activities of major importance, such as making out the family budget. In certain pursuits each partner believes himself to have superior competence. Certain others-often bothersome and disagreeable-are regarded by each as the responsibility of the other.
These issues must be decided and agreed upon by the spouses.
Frequently the decision involves negotiations, discussions, and compromises. Suggestions on how to accomplish the negotiations are given in additional articles. Of course, cultural cues, social pressures and mores, influence the spouses in their mutual decision making; and husband and wife often are dominated by social pressures even when they sense that the socially directed methods won’t work. They often forget that social patterns and mores change; indeed, in this era entire cultures may change within a decade. It is far more common today than it was a few years ago for the husband to cook (his special gourmet dish) when the pair entertains. In some homes the father may not be the sole wage earner; both mother and father go to work, and both share the housework.
Often the myth (deriving from tradition and social habit) that the male must be in charge of certain things and the woman in charge of others frightens the couple from independently determining areas of competence and responsibility. This myth has such a hold on people that they usually cannot shake it off. The situation breeds trouble.
When the spouses’ temperaments, abilities, and training make an established cultural prescription unnatural, husband and wife may find that they can neither change the rule (as established by society) nor follow it. They may then resort to subterfuge. Perhaps a husband goes to the PTA meeting only if his wife has a headache-and she usually develops a headache on PTA night. In this case there has been no agreement on who should stay home with the children and who should go to the meeting. Therefore, the husband may one day feel that he is being “done in,” even though he enjoys the meetings. Or, as happens more often than is realized, the wife may resent having to feel sick to get her husband to do something which she senses that he wants to do anyway. A rule-making session would eliminate discord here.
It is imperative that the spouses deliberately and mutually develop rules to guide their behavior. Omission of this procedure can destroy a marriage. Husband and wife should operate in ways which mutually assist each other-regardless of custom or tradition. Decisions must be made, for example, about who washes the dishes and when, takes the children out on weekends, mows the lawn, goes to PTA meetings, takes care of minor repairs, and so forth. If spouses fail to make such arrangements, then every time a question of who does what comes up, it must be renegotiated, even if it has arisen many times before. The result is squandered energy-and destructive power struggles. What might have been a mutually helpful interaction turns into an argument in which each says, in effect, “I must have my way, you stupid, stubborn idiot!” Examples are common. Suppose a husband and wife have not decided on early-morning rush-period rules concerning who gets up first, who uses the bathroom first, and at what time, who fixes breakfast, who feeds the children, who sees that they get to school. If there are no rules, there will be bedlam every morning-and in most homes there is. A mother with several small children may believe it is her husband’s duty to help in the morning. However, he may feel that he should have a quiet, leisurely breakfast, reading the paper in peace, to prepare him for a day of decision making at the office.
Arrangements for situations like this should therefore be worked out and agreed upon.
3 Parts to Destructive Omission
Destructive Omission I
Destructive Omission II
Destructive Omission III
