This entry was posted on Thursday, September 27th, 2007 at 10:42 pm and is filed under Marital Issues. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
There are many spouses who operate according to a tit-for-tat system. If Mary performs and behaves in a manner which John desires, then John will behave in a manner which Mary desires. But if Mary displeases John (and sometimes he requires the impossible), then John will, with effort and planning, behave so as to make Mary as miserable as he can. Unlike the quid pro quo process, in which the relationship agreements originate largely out of awareness, the tit-for-tat system implies a revengeful kind of conscious motivation which seeks equality in a punitive way that cannot possibly succeed. (Unfortunately, even nations seem not to have learned this elementary distinction.)
The following statements are characteristic expressions of the tit-for-tat relationship.
“If you treated me as if you really loved me, I could stand anything, accomplish anything.”
“You are negative about everything I do. Whether I swing a big deal or take the children camping, you suggest that it could have been done better. When we do things together, you always try to take charge, making it clear that my method is no good. If you encouraged me, the sky would be the limit in our relationship.”
“If you’d only make a good home, I’d be here all the time and I’d be loving.”
“If only you wouldn’t drink so much, I wouldn’t be so nervous and bitchy.”
“If you didn’t interrupt me whenever I started talking, I’m sure I could cure myself of the habit of using filthy language about the house.”
“If you didn’t shout at me or embarrass me in front of strangers, and if you’d hold my hand and look after me at parties, I’m sure I’d never hurt again in my life.”
“If you’d only read a few important books and some good newspapers, maybe we could find something to talk about.”
“If you’d stop going to those damned bridge parties every afternoon and stay home more…”
“If you didn’t watch television day and night and would talk to me just a little…”
“If you’d stop apologizing to guests about the miserable house, the poor meals…”
“If you’d only go to cooking school and learn how to prepare a meal…”
“If you’d only be a little neater and stop dropping your ashes all over the house…”
“If you’d only stop pampering the children…”
In each of these statements, one spouse indicates that he feels his own behavior depends on that of his partner.
Here we have the old chicken-and-egg problem. Even if it would help for the husband to be neater and for the wife to play less bridge, who will make the first move? And if someone does take the initiative, will his spouse regard this as an admission that he is the villain? More important, are these complaints valid, or do they really represent oversimplified attacks based on more general relationship problems? There are ways to avoid some of these traps, and we shall describe suitable methods. But in any event, if you find yourself simply blaming your spouse for all your problems, you had better seek a new constructive approach. For whatever else you do, you would have a hard time picking a worse technique to help a bad situation.
