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This striving for being gratified is unfortunately very common, and is the source of much friction and disappointment. Few recognize the sexual satisfaction which lies in satisfying. Not that they do not intend to satisfy, but they do not live in each other-only in themselves. What matters is their own feeling, their own ability, their own being hurt or rejected. They do not get away from themselves. Gratifying love means experiencing and feeling the other lover, unreservedly, unconditionally. As soon as one experiences a feeling of demand, the mind withdraws from the other and centers around one’s self.
The same is true if the feeling of obligation or of threat to one’s prestige develops. Although one seems to be interested in fulfilling his duty, this feeling of obligation-this interest in whether one will be capable or not-is incompatible with fully sensing the partner. Any interest beside mutual enjoyment and gratification distracts and kills the emotion. Impotence and frigidity are the consequences of emotional withdrawal. They are neurotic mechanisms and conceal the true intentions, as any neurotic symptoms do. While one seems consciously concerned with gratifying and gratification, one is actually more interested in one’s own prestige or failure and other problems of defense. It is resentment toward their feminine role that makes many women hesitant to play their feminine part in the communion, and this resentment creates frigidity. Often women are not even aware that they are frigid, for they love their husbands and even feel sexually stimulated. But they lack the final emotional climax which indicates complete surrender. Others vainly expect certain stimulation because they don’t realize that they themselves hinder the development of their emotions to full capacity. Masculine impotency is similar. Impotence means either a desire to keep aloof, to keep distance, or it reflects a profound doubt of being a «real man.” Lack of sexual stimulation or insufficient depth of emotion always mean withholding and desire for distance, often originated by marital discontent and disagreement in other spheres of life.
It is necessary to consider the physiological difference between masculine and feminine rhythm of sexual sensations, which has been discussed so much recently. What is generally overlooked is the fact that men and women must under any circumstances adjust themselves to each other, because no two persons have the same training. The danger in the sexual relationship is the tendency to make demands upon each other. He or she should act and respond differently, slowly or more quickly, gently or violently, adding or omitting certain actions. Unquestionably we educate each other, but never by demanding. A demand only irritates and creates discord and opposition.
If mutual gratification is not obtained automatically, one must start the process of adjustment by oneself. Women are more easily disappointed than men. It is a question whether their retarded reaction is of physiological origin or an expression of their general hesitant attitude toward sexual fulfillment, apparently demanded by social convention. This training of passivity makes women more inclined to demand and to be disappointed, expecting solutions from their partner. Then a vicious circle leads to resentment and profound disturbance of the sexual relationship.
Actually, men and women are more alike than materialistic physiologists are ready to believe. Two individuals united in wholehearted mutual acceptance have the remarkable ability to assimilate. Then, whatever occurs in one is shared by the other. It remains one of the human miracles how human beings are capable of transmitting feelings and even thoughts to each other through the barrier of their own confining bodies. As long as they do not interfere, with their fears and apprehensions, as long as they remain receptive in full relaxation, every emotional impulse of either one affects both alike. Under such conditions, any excitement and gratification occurs simultaneously, regardless of the act or its tempo. The extent of mutual adjustment is practically unlimited. It all depends on unqualified willingness to accept each other, without demand and resentment, without complaint and discomfort. Everything is right so long as both like it. If one-sided, sexual satisfaction is always a misuse of the partner, not much different from rape.” Love is a mutual task; sex a mutual understanding.
