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Spouses who can identify their marriage as belonging to a certain type find it easier to hold discussions concerning marital problems. Once they have agreed on the general category of their marriage, the perspective in which they see particular marital processes and ways of behaving seems to become clearer. We shall therefore attempt to describe the “spectrum of marriage” a broad classification of marriages from the ‘best” down to the “worst.” This spectrum is not a scientific classification, but merely a way of thinking about marriage which we hope will be helpful.
Throughout this book, there are frequent references to the functional, or workable marriage. The concept of the functional marriage is especially important in this chapter. Such a marriage is not necessarily “happy,” and cannot be described in terms of its specific goals. A functional marital system is one which is functioning, or operating, without debilitating blockage or impasses, despite the variety of both positive and negative elements it contains.
One cannot accurately categorize a particular marriage as “happy” or “violent.” The outside appearance of a marriage is often social camouflage; the packaging often fails to indicate the contents of the box. Homicides have occurred among spouses who were never known to quarrel. Many discordant marriages appear happy, and sometimes, on the other hand, spouses who quarrel in public have achieved a functional union, occasionally even a joyous one. The analysis-in-depth of a marriage must go far beyond the apparent mood or appearance of the partners. Marriage is a process and a relationship between two people. Therefore, to analyze the marriage it is necessary to examine the p:r:.0cess and the relationship interactions.
Three avenues must be explored in order to define marital categories:
1st - Functionality
How functional is the relationship? How well can the spouses work together in complementary fashion? How wide a range of behavior can they achieve, or have they brought into the marriage? How appropriately does their behavior fulfill the needs and expectations of both parties? How suitable is their behavior for achieving the various common goals of the relationship, with impasses and blockages kept to a minimum?
2nd - Temporal Compatibility
How are the two spouses oriented temporally? That is, in terms of time, what are their views, their desires, their ambitions? Are the short-term and long-range goals of each compatible with those of the other?
3rd - Vector Relations
In what direction and at what speed is the marriage changing? Are the spouses developing a collaborative relationship, or are they headed toward irreversible discord because they agree less and less on the direction and rate of change of the relationship?
In seeking answers to these questions, the reader must understand that the human being is a goal-oriented animal, and that the attempt to achieve goals involves a complicated and sometimes incompatible or antithetical use of time and energy. Homo sapiens is often a perverse creature who may desire one thing, and yet, paradoxically, behave in a manner which makes the realization of his desire impossible.
As yet no scientist has come up with a wholly reliable classificatory description of marriage. In the social sciences there are bound to be some hazy areas. But this is no reason for not presenting the principles of a system. Therefore, in the following pages we sketch-in broad strokes-a spectrum of marriage. We feel it is important to do this. Most people require a landmark, a frame of reference, with which to orient themselves with respect to any philosophical or behavioral system which involves them deeply and objectively.
Classification of Marriages
The following classification is based on the concept that at any one moment in time a marriage can be regarded as belonging more or less in one of the listed categories. The categories are arranged in order of desirability and functionality. The one at the top is the “best,” and the one at the bottom is the “worst.” Each category has two subcategories,
- The Stable-Satisfactory Marriage
- The Heavenly Twins
- The Collaborative Geniuses
- The Unstable-Satisfactory Marriage
- The Spare-Time Battlers
- The Pawnbrokers
- The Unstable-Unsatisfactory Marriage
- The Weary Wranglers
- The Psychosomatic A voiders
- The Stable-Unsatisfactory Marriage
- The Gruesome Twosome
- The Paranoid Predators
It is easy to place a marriage in one of these categories. But as one does so, it is important to remember that they represent segments of a continuum. Marriage is a continuous process, involving constant growth and metamorphosis. As the partners change, or their relationship changes, or the status of one partner changes, or the external pressures or environment changes, the marital state may move from one category into another. One of the purposes of this book is to assist the reader to recognize the trends of his own marriage, to halt those which are destructive, and to stimulate and nourish those which promise functionality and satisfaction.
A particular marriage may wobble from one category to another and then back again. No category is absolute. The “best” category, the Stable-Satisfactory, marks the upper limit of the continuum and represents a marital state probably never achieved in its pure form. This perfect, harmonious relationship, this absolute compatibility, is extremely rare because no two spouses are ever completely alike, nor do they have total congruity of backgrounds, nor absolute similarity of tastes and interests. Minor tensions based on conflicting interests, requiring some degree of change and compromise, occur at some time in all marriages. Differing periods of a marriage require different modes of adjustment.
Likewise, marriages classified as belonging to the “worst” category, the Stable-Unsatisfactory, hardly ever reach complete implosion. A totally destructive relationship is impossible. The husband and wife in a miserable marriage are certain to enjoy at least a few pleasant moments and small mutual triumphs, even if their pleasure consists of hurting each other.
The position of marriages along the continuum is determined by their relative success, with most falling in a cluster somewhere in the middle two categories. The extreme marital types which approach the two ends probably constitute only from 5 to 10 per cent of all marriages.
